Not having someone to bounce everything off of has been difficult, as I’m used to being able to speak whenever a thought comes to mind. Tom would be sitting next to me, and whether or not he was truly listening, it wasn’t strange to just speak out.
Now I’m at home, a thought pops in my head, and I continue to sit in silence. Doesn’t really matter, this isn’t really an issue, but I’ve been feeling a lot of lately.
I’ve been having a very difficult time making a decision about my current “career path”. I received this job out of the blue, after pulling myself out of a very dark hole, and finding the love of my life, but still in the haze of the darkness, not knowing quite how to proceed.
And suddenly all of these things changed. I got a job at RMCAD, and felt fairly disconnected in the supply store, hardly noticed. Then, a new girl who worked as the receptionist, became very quickly the director of campus operations. And she liked me. Her boss liked her, and therefore her boss liked me too.
Now it’s been two years and I am overseeing the reception desk.
This job has taught me more about myself than any other job I’ve had. It’s taught me about professionalism, about how to deal with businessmen, how to do ridiculous things like work in Microsoft Excel, how to create efficient procedures from the ground up, how to oversee employees.
But this is not my long term goal. I never foresaw myself being in higher education. If I continue here, I could more than likely move up fairly quickly. I was told potential salary by December.
With that salary potential, comes putting my degree to the side for a little while. And at what point would I back down from this career path to focus on my degree? Is putting my life off worth while for something I don’t necessarily want to continue?
But then, if I graduate from college with a degree in Healthcare Management, but have a shitty job lacking real responsibility, am I less likely to get a degree in my field because by the time I would graduate I could have a title like Campus Operations Project Manager, which even if it is in Higher Education, is far more experience than Barista or whatever other job I can attain.
It’s been stressful. I’m juggling a full time job, while intensely job searching, with the heaviness of not knowing if I should even be job searching, and then forever going back and forth between I should just be happy where I am, and I need to find a new job immediately so I can take a full load for Fall.
Because of this heaviness, my anxiety has been acting up.
I feel like I have a weight on my shoulders that is entirely too difficult to carry. Along with the heaviness of knowing I’m not doing the best job possible in my current position.
And I’ve never been good at quitting because I hate letting people down, so instead of telling them and dealing with their emotions, I just disappear and then regret it later. A reoccurring theme in my life - still not sure what that’s about.
So what to do.
On top of all of that, I have this urge to just go hike the Appalachian Trail, or take off in a VW bus to the national parks in the US. Or go sit in a forest and just lay there for hours without speaking to a single soul.
Wanderlust. Wanting to go to Peru now, not in two summers (please let this happen Universe).
And THAT is the other thing! My trust in the Universe to truly guide me and lead me where I need to go. But in this case, I have gotten very little response to all of the job hunting I’ve been doing, no one seems interested in me, even though I am a very hard worker who deals wonderfully with the public (big head), and I’m like, is this a sign from the Universe? Is it telling me this isn’t the time.
Why not now?! Someone give me a damn sign. And I would prefer the sign not be that I continue excelling at the job I am trying to get rid of, because that is just straight up confusing.